From the home office in Wauwatosa, WI . . .

A fine tradition in blogging from Bob Marley State has been the semi-annual Top-Ten List of quotations from professors and students alike, all vying to earn a coveted spot on the list. The competition was rough, all participants eagerly offering intensely popular opinions on various subjects, from sex to drinking and even some medical school in between. I hope you enjoy the offerings. And, to celebrate the ending of our journey in Grenada, the Top-Ten, for the first time ever, will officially have TEN+ quotations. Without further blathering from your host, the final Grenadian Top-Ten Quotations:

1. "It's not the Jolly's pool, we pay rent here and we own the pool." - Mrs. Rooney, wife of a professor. A dear friend of mine secured housing in a duplex with a pool in the backyard. Unfortunately, the first time we attempted to use said pool, the upstairs tenants objected heartily to this intrusion of the property. This become a constant mantra throughout the term as she was mocked mercilessly for her attitudes.

2. "When I was a boy, my father took me aside and said, 'Look, Boy, it only takes a few minutes.' Now, you labor for four hours and still want longer." - Dr. Hans Baer, professor of pharmacology, explaining the benefits (or apparent lack thereof) of Viagra.

3. "If any of you want to be rheumatologists, I'll kill you. You have loans to pay, you don't want to be rheumatologists." - Dr. Jimmy Lawrence, professor and practitioner of rheumatology, which is essentially the study of joints and connective tissue diseases.

4. "Our team is like herpes - we're always hanging around." - Andy, discussing the ability of his team during a rousing round of flippy-cup, and illustrating the great applicability of medical knowledge to everyday life.

5. "See, this is more fun than anatomy. I bought the twisted pleasure kind." Dr. Francis McGill, during an incredibly informative lecture on birth control. She proceeded to pass around said condom, along with several IUD's, and later apologized for not bringing a dental dam.

6. "Actually, I've been told when I buy suits that my arms are a bit longer than my legs should indicate. So, I blame that on operating on fat ladies all the time and leaning over the operating table." - Dr. Theo Welch, 80 year-old professor and surgeon, explaining how fractures can stunt limb growth.

7. "Technically we're winning because we're the only ones drinking." - Jeff, explaining how his losing effort resulted in a win during a party we labeled "Football Saturday" early in the semester.

8. "My girlfriend's mother has an HDL [cholesterol level] of 120. She is never going to die." Dr. Manny Suarez, professor of geriatrics, explaining life expectancy, while his girlfriend was in attendance.

9. "If I wrote a book one day regarding how to get through your first year in residency, the title would be Don't Fuck Up." Dr. Suarez, describing what should be our first priority in residency.

10. "For example, after this lecture, I'm going to go back to the hotel and I'm going to start to drink, to try and recover from this experience." - Dr. John Saldini, during the middle of his first ever lecture, explaining the balance of salt and water in the body.

And finally, last, but probably the most memorable quote from our entire term, oft repeated for no apparent reason at all hours of the day:

11. "Guuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllllllllllllll . . . yo' baby's turnin' blue!" - Dr. Lawrence, perfectly copied, during an explanation on anaphylactic shock and the patient's friend's reaction.

Stay tuned for further updates as my classmates and I prepare for the United States Medical Licensing Examination (USMLE - Step 1) and the likely hijinks that will ensue.

An Open Letter to selected islands...

Dear Grenada:

You earned a quick laugh for yourself. An EC$50.00 charge to leave your country is a clever way to earn a buck. You know that everyone wants to leave at all times, so the best way to make money is to charge people for their most coveted option. Brilliant - I shall endeavor to charge my patients in the same way: cheap visits and consultations; cheap lab tests and x-rays; but when it comes to the cure, milk it for all it's worth!

But that's not all. You worked your magic on the airlines, too. As I waited in the airport for my final flight from the island, it became to clear to me that I would not be free of your grasp anytime soon. Oh no, you cleverly arranged for a late arrival and departure from your humble airport.

I tried to leave my worries behind, but when my Air Jamaica flight arrived to collect me, it was an hour late! Normally, on my way home, these are not problems which concern me. However, when my connection from Jamaica to Chicago is scheduled to leave only 45 minutes after my arrival, I start to have doubts. Your promise of "The Spice of the Caribbean" rings hollow to many a young student's ear.

Dear St. Lucia:

How I would like to love you. Your beaches appear lovely from the air. You have mountains and valleys and lush vegetation. You have golden sand, gorgeous sailboats and friendly people. You apparently also have an airport. Unfortunately, I am only familiar with the runway and taxiway of your airport. I imagine that many would ask why. Many would wonder how this applies after my first letter to Grenada.

As it happens, Air Jamaica has jet-planes. So, I was flying with real power - none of those wimpy prop-planes that plague the American Airlines fleet. No, I was in a real position to have a safe and quick flight - with meal service, free champagne and the knowledge that I was flying toward Chicago at over 500 miles per hour with over 100 of my classmates. What I did not know is that you, St. Lucia, had the power to draw my beautiful jet-plane toward your island to board two extra passengers.

So, you successfully managed to take a flight that was already an hour late and lose more time to my rapidly decaying good mood.

And Dear Jamaica:

So many before me have been lured by your beaches, by your carefree attitude and by your bobsled team. But, in the end, you are no better than your comrades before you. As we taxied toward to the jet way and toward freedom, it was announced:

"All flights have been held and are awaiting boarding except those to Chicago, Atlanta and LA."

And so, it was unceremoniously that I learned there would be no America that day. There would be no snow. There would be no family. There would be no friendly faces. There would only be more sand, more saltwater, more "Ya, mon", more customs scrutiny (all my medical supplies were scrutinized and they needed to x-ray my chocolate bars twice to ensure . . . well, I have no idea what they were ensuring - it was chocolate) and 24 long hours of waiting for the next flight to depart for Chicago.

And even when I arrived at the airport the next day, you did your best to keep me there. Keeping my plane on the ground, while we sat in our seats, for an extra hour, we waited for some ubiquitous "customs paperwork" that was apparently missing. Of course it was missing - everything is always missing; everything is always delayed (except, clearly, on the previous day, when the flight obviously had to leave on time); everything runs on "Caribbean time" - to the very end.

But, when I stepped off that plane and froze my fingers and toes off, I had the last laugh. I was in America - the land of milk on the grocery stores; the land of choices in cereal; the land of clocks and schedules; the land of driving on the right-side of the road; the land of dollar bills; the land of couches and real ESPN.

So, you see Jamaica and St. Lucia and Grenada, you had your laughs for a day, but I will have mine for a lifetime. And, as I wash my laundry, lie on the couch and enjoy the food in the pantry, I know who's laughing now!

Sincerely yours,
Patrick Meloy, Unlicensed Medical Professional.